Vanished
Jaid Black is the millionairish writer who owns Ellora's Cave. You're probably familiar with the company, they have the worst covers in the e-publishing/paperback industry. God forbid that big black ELLORA'S CAVE header not be on there, we might forget who we just overpaid for our ebook reading delights. Ok, actually this cover isn't so bad. It's actually nice and tastefully designed. I was definitely pleased with the cover love when I bought it.
And that is the nicest thing you are going to hear me say about this book. This is the worst story I have ever read in my life. And to show you I am not making the claim without my reasons, I'm going to show them to you. That means this is going to take a while. Make sure you have some coffee handy.
As you might have guessed, I have nothing but complaints for this novel and it's author, so if you're a Black fan, skip town, buddy. This is not the review you want to read. Also, to make my points I will be mentioning spoilers, so consider this your SPOILER WARNING.
Let's start with that cover. The only reason it looks so good, is because it doesn't reflect a single thing that takes place in this heinous story. The only housing mentioned is a small cabin, with zero reference to a cellar of any kind. So where's that cellar? Also, she's tied to the ceiling of this dungeon, somehow. That never happened, either. But hey, why spoil the theme of this book by adding anything credible to it?
Let's get to the grit!
Our heroine is Lynne Temple, a 34 year old database designer who is relocating from Florida to West Virgina. She's divorced from some guy named Steve. He's not really important, but he's mentioned to let you know poor Lynne is mending a broken heart. Seems old Steve screwed around on a regular basis. Honestly, I can't really blame the man.
Our hero is the least attractive man I have ever read in a book. His name is Jesse Redshaw. He's an ex-con who's just escaped federal prison. He hasn't been laid in 5 or 6 years (or whatever) and that makes him a horny boy.
Gawd, so much wrong with this story I have a headache just trying to find a place to begin.
Ok, I'm over it.
This story begins with Lynne cruising the turnpike in her SUV. Unfortunately, a semi jackknifes and traffic is rerouted by the police - through the Appalachians. To set the mood for you, it's winter and the roads are snowy. It's also about 11pm on a Tuesday.
(That's important in someone's universe, I'm sure.)
Shockingly, this woman hasn't encountered another car on this diversion. Am I really supposed to believe that hers was the only car on the Turnpike? If not, seems a bit strange there isn't a steady flow of traffic. People don't usually floor it up steep, snowy mountain passes, either, so it would stand to reason she'd be in a line of some sort - if only a line of two or three cars.
But whatever.
As she drives it becomes clear that our heroine is a great big wuss, who starts shaking in her booties over how "dark" it is outside. Hello? Isn't it 11pm? It's night time, it's supposed to be freaking dark. At some point, our genius decides she's taken a wrong turn. We aren't really told why, but that's ok. We can safely assume she was lost from the start, since hers was the only car on the road. However, the author says something a bit ridiculous at this point:
It becomes clear that an hour has passed since Lynne's been on this road. The author claims that it's been snowing so hard and steadily that by now her tracks are completely covered and she won't be able to find her way back. As if the road itself has vanished behind her.
Ms. Black, have you no concept of how much an SUV weighs? I doubt it's snowing hard enough to cover the tracks so quickly. And, if it is indeed snowing that badly, it's unlikely she'd be able to continue driving forward. Of course, the next paragraph talks about her driving in mud and slush.
Ms. Black, have you no concept of how the weather works? Typically, snow doesn't fall in temperatures greater than 32 F. Guess why? Because that's when water freezes. So please, explain how this woman is driving in slush - as opposed to ice?
However, I'll play devils advo for a moment. Let's pretend the laws of physics don't apply to this book - if the snow has truly obliterated the road, this girl has bigger things to be worrying about than how dark it is outside.
And to think we are only on page 6 right now.
By now Lynne is so panicky about the boogeyman, she's too afraid to stop the car and turn back around. What an idiot! Eventually, she talks herself into stopping. Well, guess what? Some kind of movement grabs her attention, peripherally, of course. She panics (like she ever stopped) and hits the gas. The SUV starts skidding and she sees movement again. She hits the brakes, and I love how Black then says, "momentarily lost control of the SUV".
Sweetheart, if you're in a skid, you're not in control to begin with. That's why it's called skidding, and not driving.
Back to the story. Lynne tries to avoid the shadowy figure and slams into an oak tree. Amazingly, she hits it rather intensely, yet she has time to scope out her surroundings between the time she crashes and the time the airbag deploys. What we have, is a bad crash that significantly jars Lynne, but seems not have injured her much, if at all. Yet, the airbag, when it finally engages, almost kills her and sends her into mental oblivion.
Yeah.
If nothing else, you have to love this classic line on page 7:
"Oh God - oh please - I must have sustained a concussion"
Who the hell talks like this in their head?
I might think "Fuck, I hope I don't pass out" or "Shit, I hope I don't have a concussion" but I bet the average database designer (what the hell is that, anyway?) wouldn't be thinking like a physician. Just a guess, of course. Anyway, our hero *cough, cough, gag, vomit* appears from nowhere and this is where it REALLY gets good, peeps.
Jesse is wearing an orange jumper. You guys know what that means, right? Grade A prison flesh, right there. His hands and ankles are chained. That's the last thing she sees before she passes out. Ok, fine. But let's remember, she's in an SUV and we have no reason to think the doors have been torn off, nor the windows shattered. And, because our heorine *cough* is such a baby it's logical to assume she locked the doors an hour ago, when she first starting whining about the boogeyman.
So tell me how he opens her door? Because I don't get it.
Well, next thing we know, she's indoors somewhere. Half lucid and still doing that obnoxious whining thing when she starts to come to. She's in the cabin, and off in the distance she hears an electric saw. Creepy, but ok. If you haven't guessed, Jesse was out sawing his handcuffs and shackles off. That's quite impressive, if you ask me. He's handcuffed, and sawing them off of himself? Go, go circus boy. Let's not even mention the fact it's amazing he was able to locate a saw at all.
Yeah.
To her credit, the author does write a brilliant line here, which Lynne says to herself, "For once in your 34 pathetic years, use your damn brain!"
Don't get your hopes up, however, I can assure you the woman doesn't take her own advice.
So guess what happens next? You can't, don't try. Lynne suddenly recognizes her captor. He's a fugitive from.... did you guess? Florida! Convenient, since it would be unlikely she'd recognize a criminal from any other state. What luck, that she should be diverted from a West Virginia interstate, drive aimlessly for an hour or so, and at the precise moment she decides to stop and turn around, this guy from Florida is standing next to her car. No coat, either apparently. Guess he's hotblooded.
Regardless, this is one of the stupidest things in this book. And that's saying a lot, considering how much competition there was.
So this guy, he's a convicted sex perv, see. A sadistic, sexual rapist, if you'd like the author's description. Oh, and a brutal murderer. Jinkies! She asks what he's going to do with her, and he tells her he hasn't decided. She panics (what else?) and sits up, discovering she's naked under the covers. She jolts her little brain and lies down in a whimpering heap. Our hero comes to her rescue and tells her rest.
She suddenly recalls that at some point during her last 5 days of unconsciousness (from the airbag, remember? what, was it made of rock?) this man was sucking on her nipples. Can you say yuck? I wanted to puke when I read that. There is nothing sexy about a man, any man, taking advantage of a woman when she's passed out. Shame on you, Ms. Black. And it doesn't make matters better, that as she starts to pass out (again) he tweaks her nipples as she's going under.
Molestation is not sexy, sorry.
Fast forward 2 days and she's wakey, wakey, and asks Jesse what he's going to do with her. He tells her he's decided, turns to face her, and drops his uniform. He says he's going to keep her, for now. She panics (sigh) and whispers that she wants to live! She tosses the covers from her naked body and spreads her legs wide and tells him she can make him happy! He protests. Meekly. This woman springs from the bed, throws herself at his feet and takes his penis and deep throats him like a pro.
1. Ms. Black, what the hell were you thinking when you created such a sickening scene?
2. Were you thinking at all, when you decided your hero would allow her to humiliate herself to such a degree?
What sexual satisfaction did Lynne get from this encounter? We know Jesse got his rocks off, and we know she's just desperate to stay alive. What part of your trademarked Romantica definition don't you understand?
So after she sucks him dry, our romance hero tells her he needs sleep and proceeds to chain her to the bed with - a dog collar. How sweet. Let's not even say how amazing it is that he was able to find one in this cabin, but ok, whatever.
Next morning, Jesse wakes up with her sucking him off, again. We see the sentences, "He realized why she was sucking him off, of course. He wasn't stupid or easily fooled. His captive wanted to live." Well, what a genius we have here. So we know Einstein realizes she wouldn't be doing this otherwise. And he then asks here what else she can do, besides blow jobs.
Yeah, that's hero material, Ms. Black.
So of course, this woman offers up her pussy. Immediately. How sexy. She rearranges her "pussy hole" (that is an actual quote, if you can believe it) and get ready to get it on. And of course he takes advantage. Again.
Nice.
Then we have the flashbacks. Oh, he'd just been undressing because he was hot. In a cabin in the middle of all that snow? Funny, because in the beginning we hear about how cold the cabin is. We also learn he didn't have bad intentions and doesn't want to hurt her. Guess what, buddy? You already molested and took advantage of her. I'd say you already "hurt" her. But to add insult to injury, this innocent man tells her to work for his cum. Don't forget - she still thinks he wants to kill her, so this is not erotic for her. It's terrifying.
The next morning he decides he's going to tell her. But guess what? She offers herself again - out of obligation - and he just can't turn the pussy down. Who could, the way she pathetically wiggles it back and forth, like she's tempting a dog with a piece of meat.
Oh, I guess she is.
Well, finally Jesse gets his fingers to work and finds her clit in about the 17th sex scene (slight exaggeration but you get the point) and Lynne finally gets to come. Lucky girl, who knew? And to make it all better, after she does, he lets her know he's not going to hurt her, after all. What a nice guy. I will say this, however - it's kind of hard to believe that she's, A.) never had an orgasm in her life, B.) was a virgin when she met her ex, yet fucks and deep throats like a champ. But, whatever.
Anyhoo, a little more than 1/2 way through this masterpiece, we hear Jesse claim he's not a killer and was wrongly jailed for all these years. Well, he surely took his time getting round to that, didn't he? Now he needs to decide how to let her go without worrying she'll lead the coppers to him. Hey, guess what? A week later, our heroine *cough* is now falling for our hero.
At some point they'd trekked back to her crashed SUV and taken her suitcases and retrieved warm clothes for her. Guess what else? Some of her ex's clothes were in the SUV, too! Wow! You'd think she would have done a better job of washing that guy out of her hair, but here were his clothes. And guess what else? They perfectly fit this 6'5 man.
Sure, they did!
Eventually they start to have this burgeoning love thing going on and she's torn between all that bad stuff the press says he did, and his denial to her of having done them. He wants her to love him, she needs time to decide if she has room for a prick like him in her life. Oops, sorry, a hero like him in her life. Here's something that cracked me up, though. He wakes up and reflects on the two whole days he hasn't made a move on her. Because "it's the right thing to do".
ROFLMFAO!
Give us a break!!!!
We see he's falling in love, he needs her widdle heart to be his. He gets hot and wants to jerk off while she's sleeping next to him, but decides that would be too disrespectful to her. Aw, what a man. A few more blah sex scenes, they proclaim their mutual love out loud. Sweet, right? Well the next morning he sets her free and tells her to go on her merry way. To make a silly story short, she goes.
Three months later, guess what? She, a database designer (whatever that is) managed to clear his name! She managed to start an investigation that led to finding the real killer! Can you believe it? Yeah, I couldn't either. But, hey, I was happy the book was done.
I have never, ever, in my life read a more offensive piece of writing. And to think this book had TWO editors. The initial scene where she blows this guy offended me to the point I will NEVER read another Jaid Black book. Never.
The only good thing I can say about her, is that she clearly has the talent to be a good writer. Why she chooses to publish this kind of crap is beyond me. If this is standard for her, I cannot understand how she became so rich and famous. However, this was published in 2002 - maybe by then she was already too rich to care about substance anymore.
I give this book 1 star, only because I don't have negative numbers in my rating system.
Bambi says: 1 Star
And that is the nicest thing you are going to hear me say about this book. This is the worst story I have ever read in my life. And to show you I am not making the claim without my reasons, I'm going to show them to you. That means this is going to take a while. Make sure you have some coffee handy.
As you might have guessed, I have nothing but complaints for this novel and it's author, so if you're a Black fan, skip town, buddy. This is not the review you want to read. Also, to make my points I will be mentioning spoilers, so consider this your SPOILER WARNING.
Let's start with that cover. The only reason it looks so good, is because it doesn't reflect a single thing that takes place in this heinous story. The only housing mentioned is a small cabin, with zero reference to a cellar of any kind. So where's that cellar? Also, she's tied to the ceiling of this dungeon, somehow. That never happened, either. But hey, why spoil the theme of this book by adding anything credible to it?
Let's get to the grit!
Our heroine is Lynne Temple, a 34 year old database designer who is relocating from Florida to West Virgina. She's divorced from some guy named Steve. He's not really important, but he's mentioned to let you know poor Lynne is mending a broken heart. Seems old Steve screwed around on a regular basis. Honestly, I can't really blame the man.
Our hero is the least attractive man I have ever read in a book. His name is Jesse Redshaw. He's an ex-con who's just escaped federal prison. He hasn't been laid in 5 or 6 years (or whatever) and that makes him a horny boy.
Gawd, so much wrong with this story I have a headache just trying to find a place to begin.
Ok, I'm over it.
This story begins with Lynne cruising the turnpike in her SUV. Unfortunately, a semi jackknifes and traffic is rerouted by the police - through the Appalachians. To set the mood for you, it's winter and the roads are snowy. It's also about 11pm on a Tuesday.
(That's important in someone's universe, I'm sure.)
Shockingly, this woman hasn't encountered another car on this diversion. Am I really supposed to believe that hers was the only car on the Turnpike? If not, seems a bit strange there isn't a steady flow of traffic. People don't usually floor it up steep, snowy mountain passes, either, so it would stand to reason she'd be in a line of some sort - if only a line of two or three cars.
But whatever.
As she drives it becomes clear that our heroine is a great big wuss, who starts shaking in her booties over how "dark" it is outside. Hello? Isn't it 11pm? It's night time, it's supposed to be freaking dark. At some point, our genius decides she's taken a wrong turn. We aren't really told why, but that's ok. We can safely assume she was lost from the start, since hers was the only car on the road. However, the author says something a bit ridiculous at this point:
It becomes clear that an hour has passed since Lynne's been on this road. The author claims that it's been snowing so hard and steadily that by now her tracks are completely covered and she won't be able to find her way back. As if the road itself has vanished behind her.
Ms. Black, have you no concept of how much an SUV weighs? I doubt it's snowing hard enough to cover the tracks so quickly. And, if it is indeed snowing that badly, it's unlikely she'd be able to continue driving forward. Of course, the next paragraph talks about her driving in mud and slush.
Ms. Black, have you no concept of how the weather works? Typically, snow doesn't fall in temperatures greater than 32 F. Guess why? Because that's when water freezes. So please, explain how this woman is driving in slush - as opposed to ice?
However, I'll play devils advo for a moment. Let's pretend the laws of physics don't apply to this book - if the snow has truly obliterated the road, this girl has bigger things to be worrying about than how dark it is outside.
And to think we are only on page 6 right now.
By now Lynne is so panicky about the boogeyman, she's too afraid to stop the car and turn back around. What an idiot! Eventually, she talks herself into stopping. Well, guess what? Some kind of movement grabs her attention, peripherally, of course. She panics (like she ever stopped) and hits the gas. The SUV starts skidding and she sees movement again. She hits the brakes, and I love how Black then says, "momentarily lost control of the SUV".
Sweetheart, if you're in a skid, you're not in control to begin with. That's why it's called skidding, and not driving.
Back to the story. Lynne tries to avoid the shadowy figure and slams into an oak tree. Amazingly, she hits it rather intensely, yet she has time to scope out her surroundings between the time she crashes and the time the airbag deploys. What we have, is a bad crash that significantly jars Lynne, but seems not have injured her much, if at all. Yet, the airbag, when it finally engages, almost kills her and sends her into mental oblivion.
Yeah.
If nothing else, you have to love this classic line on page 7:
"Oh God - oh please - I must have sustained a concussion"
Who the hell talks like this in their head?
I might think "Fuck, I hope I don't pass out" or "Shit, I hope I don't have a concussion" but I bet the average database designer (what the hell is that, anyway?) wouldn't be thinking like a physician. Just a guess, of course. Anyway, our hero *cough, cough, gag, vomit* appears from nowhere and this is where it REALLY gets good, peeps.
Jesse is wearing an orange jumper. You guys know what that means, right? Grade A prison flesh, right there. His hands and ankles are chained. That's the last thing she sees before she passes out. Ok, fine. But let's remember, she's in an SUV and we have no reason to think the doors have been torn off, nor the windows shattered. And, because our heorine *cough* is such a baby it's logical to assume she locked the doors an hour ago, when she first starting whining about the boogeyman.
So tell me how he opens her door? Because I don't get it.
Well, next thing we know, she's indoors somewhere. Half lucid and still doing that obnoxious whining thing when she starts to come to. She's in the cabin, and off in the distance she hears an electric saw. Creepy, but ok. If you haven't guessed, Jesse was out sawing his handcuffs and shackles off. That's quite impressive, if you ask me. He's handcuffed, and sawing them off of himself? Go, go circus boy. Let's not even mention the fact it's amazing he was able to locate a saw at all.
Yeah.
To her credit, the author does write a brilliant line here, which Lynne says to herself, "For once in your 34 pathetic years, use your damn brain!"
Don't get your hopes up, however, I can assure you the woman doesn't take her own advice.
So guess what happens next? You can't, don't try. Lynne suddenly recognizes her captor. He's a fugitive from.... did you guess? Florida! Convenient, since it would be unlikely she'd recognize a criminal from any other state. What luck, that she should be diverted from a West Virginia interstate, drive aimlessly for an hour or so, and at the precise moment she decides to stop and turn around, this guy from Florida is standing next to her car. No coat, either apparently. Guess he's hotblooded.
Regardless, this is one of the stupidest things in this book. And that's saying a lot, considering how much competition there was.
So this guy, he's a convicted sex perv, see. A sadistic, sexual rapist, if you'd like the author's description. Oh, and a brutal murderer. Jinkies! She asks what he's going to do with her, and he tells her he hasn't decided. She panics (what else?) and sits up, discovering she's naked under the covers. She jolts her little brain and lies down in a whimpering heap. Our hero comes to her rescue and tells her rest.
She suddenly recalls that at some point during her last 5 days of unconsciousness (from the airbag, remember? what, was it made of rock?) this man was sucking on her nipples. Can you say yuck? I wanted to puke when I read that. There is nothing sexy about a man, any man, taking advantage of a woman when she's passed out. Shame on you, Ms. Black. And it doesn't make matters better, that as she starts to pass out (again) he tweaks her nipples as she's going under.
Molestation is not sexy, sorry.
Fast forward 2 days and she's wakey, wakey, and asks Jesse what he's going to do with her. He tells her he's decided, turns to face her, and drops his uniform. He says he's going to keep her, for now. She panics (sigh) and whispers that she wants to live! She tosses the covers from her naked body and spreads her legs wide and tells him she can make him happy! He protests. Meekly. This woman springs from the bed, throws herself at his feet and takes his penis and deep throats him like a pro.
1. Ms. Black, what the hell were you thinking when you created such a sickening scene?
2. Were you thinking at all, when you decided your hero would allow her to humiliate herself to such a degree?
What sexual satisfaction did Lynne get from this encounter? We know Jesse got his rocks off, and we know she's just desperate to stay alive. What part of your trademarked Romantica definition don't you understand?
So after she sucks him dry, our romance hero tells her he needs sleep and proceeds to chain her to the bed with - a dog collar. How sweet. Let's not even say how amazing it is that he was able to find one in this cabin, but ok, whatever.
Next morning, Jesse wakes up with her sucking him off, again. We see the sentences, "He realized why she was sucking him off, of course. He wasn't stupid or easily fooled. His captive wanted to live." Well, what a genius we have here. So we know Einstein realizes she wouldn't be doing this otherwise. And he then asks here what else she can do, besides blow jobs.
Yeah, that's hero material, Ms. Black.
So of course, this woman offers up her pussy. Immediately. How sexy. She rearranges her "pussy hole" (that is an actual quote, if you can believe it) and get ready to get it on. And of course he takes advantage. Again.
Nice.
Then we have the flashbacks. Oh, he'd just been undressing because he was hot. In a cabin in the middle of all that snow? Funny, because in the beginning we hear about how cold the cabin is. We also learn he didn't have bad intentions and doesn't want to hurt her. Guess what, buddy? You already molested and took advantage of her. I'd say you already "hurt" her. But to add insult to injury, this innocent man tells her to work for his cum. Don't forget - she still thinks he wants to kill her, so this is not erotic for her. It's terrifying.
The next morning he decides he's going to tell her. But guess what? She offers herself again - out of obligation - and he just can't turn the pussy down. Who could, the way she pathetically wiggles it back and forth, like she's tempting a dog with a piece of meat.
Oh, I guess she is.
Well, finally Jesse gets his fingers to work and finds her clit in about the 17th sex scene (slight exaggeration but you get the point) and Lynne finally gets to come. Lucky girl, who knew? And to make it all better, after she does, he lets her know he's not going to hurt her, after all. What a nice guy. I will say this, however - it's kind of hard to believe that she's, A.) never had an orgasm in her life, B.) was a virgin when she met her ex, yet fucks and deep throats like a champ. But, whatever.
Anyhoo, a little more than 1/2 way through this masterpiece, we hear Jesse claim he's not a killer and was wrongly jailed for all these years. Well, he surely took his time getting round to that, didn't he? Now he needs to decide how to let her go without worrying she'll lead the coppers to him. Hey, guess what? A week later, our heroine *cough* is now falling for our hero.
At some point they'd trekked back to her crashed SUV and taken her suitcases and retrieved warm clothes for her. Guess what else? Some of her ex's clothes were in the SUV, too! Wow! You'd think she would have done a better job of washing that guy out of her hair, but here were his clothes. And guess what else? They perfectly fit this 6'5 man.
Sure, they did!
Eventually they start to have this burgeoning love thing going on and she's torn between all that bad stuff the press says he did, and his denial to her of having done them. He wants her to love him, she needs time to decide if she has room for a prick like him in her life. Oops, sorry, a hero like him in her life. Here's something that cracked me up, though. He wakes up and reflects on the two whole days he hasn't made a move on her. Because "it's the right thing to do".
ROFLMFAO!
Give us a break!!!!
We see he's falling in love, he needs her widdle heart to be his. He gets hot and wants to jerk off while she's sleeping next to him, but decides that would be too disrespectful to her. Aw, what a man. A few more blah sex scenes, they proclaim their mutual love out loud. Sweet, right? Well the next morning he sets her free and tells her to go on her merry way. To make a silly story short, she goes.
Three months later, guess what? She, a database designer (whatever that is) managed to clear his name! She managed to start an investigation that led to finding the real killer! Can you believe it? Yeah, I couldn't either. But, hey, I was happy the book was done.
I have never, ever, in my life read a more offensive piece of writing. And to think this book had TWO editors. The initial scene where she blows this guy offended me to the point I will NEVER read another Jaid Black book. Never.
The only good thing I can say about her, is that she clearly has the talent to be a good writer. Why she chooses to publish this kind of crap is beyond me. If this is standard for her, I cannot understand how she became so rich and famous. However, this was published in 2002 - maybe by then she was already too rich to care about substance anymore.
I give this book 1 star, only because I don't have negative numbers in my rating system.
Bambi says: 1 Star
6 comments:
I couldn't believe anything could be so bad. I bought it, read it, and now feel ill. The next time you say a book is this bad, I will listen to you!
Bambi, you scare me, dear. ;)
I read one of her books a few years ago. There wasn't anything romantic in that book either.
Ooohh - ick, ick, ick! Sounds like one to avoid at all costs!
Oh. My. Gosh.
Bambi, you're making this up. It's a joke, right?
Kristie - Hi! Yes indeedy, at all costs!
Wordtryst - Hi to you, too! Sorry, I'm afraid it's not a joke. I'd tell you to read it and see for yourself but I wouldn't want you to waste your money!
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